The Best Part of Waking Up…Is Cat Crap in Your Cup!

worlds most expensive coffee civet cat eating berries

Nom nom nom nom nom poop!

What you are about to read gets logged in my brain under “Holy Shit, Now I’ve Seen Everything” file.

That file keeps getting fatter despite the title. Just when you think you’ve seen it all…along comes Cat Crap Coffee. I shit you not. Poor Juan Valdez, he must be rolling in his grave right now.

Mai faborit ting furst ting in da mornin' - coffee cherries

I pride myself as being a connoisseur of all things wonderful and usually expensive. Normally, I’m up for anything, preferably legal and provided I can maintain my dignity, but hopping on the cat-crap-coffee bandwagon is not going to be one of them, I can tell you that right now.

Just what in the world am I talking about, you ask? You mean you didn’t read the NYT Coffee Critics Award for the Best Brew in Manhattan? Why, you philistine, you.

Hold your horses, you'll get your coffee in a minute! I ain't Starbucks you know.

Well, the latest in Foodie Land, where everything is absurdly expensive and difficult, if not impossible to obtain, is…get ready…coffee made from cat shit. No wait, it’s not as bad as that (did I just say that?). It’s otherwise known as Kopi Luwak, the rarest and most expensive coffee in the world.

The unholy brew is made of is the intestinal remains (alright it’s shit, OK?) of cat-like animals called civets who dine on fresh coffee cherries, where the beans pass through undigested and are lovingly plucked from the poop, washed and then roasted to perfection.

Go eat your own shit, who do you think I am, Mr. Coffee?

Crazy coffee connoisseurs are usually given two reasons for civet coffee’s unique taste – the civets themselves are connoisseurs, selecting only the juiciest coffee cherries, which in turn give the best beans. Once inside the civet’s tummy – these cherries are fermented by enzymes in the stomach, resulting in a poopy perfection only the very rich and the very crazy can enjoy.

One man's shit is another man's treasure.

The Cat’s Meow describes it thusly:

This peculiar blend of java juice is made from the excrement of a cat-like* creature called the civet, who feeds on coffee berries (no word on whether the civet ever sleeps). The berries pass through the civet’s bowels and are excreted as undigested feces. This dung is harvested and the beans are extracted, cleaned and lightly roasted, eventually producing a unique brew that can cost over $50 a cup, prized by caffeiniciandos who appreciate the bitter taste imparted by enzymes in the civet’s stomach. Coffee from Indonesian civets is considered to have the best aroma.

civet cat poop fermented coffee beans kopi luwak

Now that's what I call - good to the last plop!

“At first I did not want to take it on,” Peter Longo, owner of the trendy New York coffee spot Porto Rico told the NY Daily News. “I thought it was kind of dirty because of where it comes from.”

Reportedly, the beans are safe to consume by the time they reach the coffee cup, despite having taken a scenic cruise through the civet’s intestines. Those who buy it need to be able to stomach the hefty price tag: the beans sell for up to $600 – $1,000 per pound and only 1,000 pounds make it to market each year.

*OK, OK, not exactly a cat, but it was a slow news day.

Hey, I know it's a shit job, but someone's gotta do it.

OMG. I am in the wrong business. Hey Fluffy, come here honey, I have a new treat for you!

It gives a whole new meaning to the Maxwell House slogan: Tastes as Good as it Smells! and Brim Decaffeinated Coffee’s Fill it to the Rim with Brim! (don’t EVEN make me go there) or how about Folger’s Crystals’: We’ve replaced their regular coffee with Cat Crap Crystals. Let’s see if they notice! World travelers will remember Cafe Britt, Costa Rica’s arabica coffee beans advertising slogan: From our plantation to your cup! can now read: From our butt to your cup! And who can forget Good to the last plop!

I eat cat poop

Favorite comment: Ben Lieberman, 28, a coffee shop manager from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, was turned off after the first sip. “It has a dirty taste to it,” Lieberman said. “It’s heavy. It’s like, ‘Dude you just crapped in my coffee.'”